"Black can appear white when the light is blinding."

procrastination is a beautiful thing

2009-12-14T17:41:03Z

at home today with the kid. they messed up his perscription and by the time i got it sorted out it was too late to take him to school because i couldn't give him his meds. he has another dermatologist appointment at 4 today as well, so my day is fairly well shot. i have a lot to do today, i'm running out of time. i have a big project that needs to be completed by friday. and instead of working on it i'm posting for the first time in weeks? at least i'm to the point where i know what i'm going to write for the thing. i just need to get it on paper to wrap it up. well, there's more than that - but that's the bulk of the issue. ok - ::takes a big girl pill:: going to hide in the bed room until i'm done. not coming out till i have a few pages done. grr! lol have a great day kitties!

jeustr @ 2009-11-12T23:24:00

2009-11-13T05:24:30Z

It;s been a while, I know. I have been super busy. We went up to visit family and friends in NC towards the beginning of October. While up there my friend Annie gifted me her magickal library. So, I ended up mailing myself 7 big boxes stuffed to the gills with books of serious awesomeness. This meant I had to go ahead and remodel the library. "Had" to I swear!!! LOL. Weaks of stripping wall paper, painting, repainting, and more painting, scrubbing wooden floors, putting in a new fan, building new bookcases for a total of 13 now (fancy just that number fitting in here), and setting up a new desk area!!! Tonight I finally unpacked the last of my my books and alphabetized them. Next comes cleaning, archiving, and ordering the books I got from Annie.

I can't tell you what a HUGE honor it was for her to give me her library. She'd been talking about it for a few years, since we moved away pretty much. But I never really thought it would happen. Just because - well its so freaking huge. That level of love and trust. I cannot begin to describe the gratitude, the humility, the happiness. The freaking pride that of all the people in her life she chose me to give it to. It's out of this world!!! ::flails and dies of happiness::

SO - the goal is to work on the remaining library items this weekend. I need to take care of the new books, finish some painting issues, put my art back up on the walls, and start hashing out the final wall painting designs R will be painting for me. OH - we put up black out curtains too to protect the books (some are super old and super special!!!). In March when my mom comes to visit I am hoping to put up some crown molding as well to really take it up a notch!!!
</div>

The library is not all I've been busy with. The 101 lessons are going great. I'm loving my classmates. We're looking at setting up lots of charity work for the coming year. We recently hosted the Goddess Rising Conference here in New Orleans which was fabulous. It will be even huger next year. I have my fingers crossed that we can get one of my most favorite authors here - but I won't say anything till I know for sure. I don't want to jinx it.

Aiden and Raven have been taking hapkido classes. So far they both really seem to like it. R especially. He's getting soo good at it!!! I think its wonderful for him. Aiden's best friend might be joining his class, so that should really make him happy!!! I'm so happy for both of them. We all now have something active we do outside of the house and I think that's super healthy for us.

I've taken on a lot of responsibilities lately and it makes me feel good. I want to give back to the world that has given me so much. I want to push my bondaries and grow more as a person. I want to help and feel like I am not just letting life happen around me. I want to show Aiden that you can live your ideals.

Anywho - I've missed you all terribly. I do still read fairly often - though not as much these past couple weeks since my computer has been stored for remodeling.

jeustr @ 2009-08-12T06:58:00

2009-08-12T12:06:24Z

196.6!
I've been working my butt off lately with one thing and another. I've been feeling creative lately and that's a huge difference for me. I joined a group that promotes charity work and that has made me feel really super good. R and I have also been being much more social lately, which has been super.
I'm having a house warming party for my work friends finally! the house is looking pretty good, though there is still much to be done before guests come in two weeks. :) i have been working very hard at being the person i want to be and i hope most sincerely that this is not just a passing phase but something i can truly evolve into. it hasn't been easy. but i'm trying with all my heart.
ugh... i have to run to work! at least its wednesday! friday is my off day this pay period, so that's a relief!!! so much to do this weekend! aiden will be home permanently from his seemlingly endless rounds of summer vacation tomorrow night and i am so stoked!!!
have a great wednesday my kitties! i miss you all! i've been reading even when i don't comment.

jeustr @ 2009-08-01T10:01:00

2009-08-01T15:01:50Z

199.4!!!!! I've officially broken the 200 mark!!! celebrations are deeply in order!!! SQUEE!!!

jeustr @ 2009-07-26T15:51:00

2009-07-26T20:59:58Z

Its been an awesome weekend!!! Yesterday we went to the New Orleans museum of art, the City park sculpture garden, and did some breif communing with nature out in a secluded area by one of the ponds. Lots of birds, turtles. Next time bringing Aiden, dad and lots of bread. It was a WONDEFUL day. Capped off by going to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I need to re-read the books. ::grins::
Today, class, tons of awesomeness. Better than I had hoped for.
Now I'm waiting for my clothes to dry so I can pack for my Houston trip. I'm supposed to leave REALLY soon. But the dryer was being a booger. ARGH!!! ::fingers crosses things dry in time::
going to miss the hubby so much. miss my munchkin SO MUCH, can't wait for him to come home. he'll be here soon though!!!
hope everyone is having a great weekend. don't know if i'll have net while i'm gone. so huggings and lovins for in the mean time!

jeustr @ 2009-07-23T20:36:00

2009-07-24T02:13:27Z

raven talked me into watching 7 pounds, the will smith movie... so its his fault that i just got done balling my eyes out. yep... there's a movie to shake the snot out of ya.
i made a shite load of progress on my stone work class today!!! the power point only lacks the suggested reading page and the images i want to make for it. well, for class one anyway. i'm not sure yet if there's going to be 2 or 3 classes. depends on how long power point 2 starts running. class one ended up longer than i expected but i am really quite proud of it. i also need to put together the written portion for the hand out. i suppose i will be working on that while i am out of town for training. depending of course on what kind of time i have to work with and how many books i can cram into my suitcase. ::grins::
i made hibachi steak, noodles and squash tonight. it was sooo yum! i finally got the beef perfect! its all about cutting it just the right thickness so that it cooks but doesn't have time to dry out! really proud of that!
i have to get up ass early in the morning so i suppose i ought to go blow my nose and drag my ass to bed. good night kitties!!! ::squishes and snuggins::

jeustr @ 2009-07-23T06:59:00

2009-07-23T12:16:14Z

201.0!!! OMG!!! I can't believe it!!! So close!!!
I finally finished reading Drawing Down the Moon last night. If you've ever seen how f-ing thick the behemouth is you'd realize how happy that makes me. I've been working on it since probably Febuary or March. It was the revised edition that came out in the 80's, so each chapter had an update at the end for changes between the 70's and 80's. It was an awesome read and a great counter part to reading the Triumph of the Moon, which focuses on British witchcraft as opposed to American. Between the two of them I feel like I have a decent grasp of the fundementals of the historical progression of modern paganism, specifically Wicca, debunking a lot of the bullshit. And there's always so much bullshit to everything in life. ::grins::
I started reading the Mineralogy text book I got last night. I made big progress on the power point for the stone magick class I want to teach. DUDE, I found out how to do few new cool things in power point as far as the "animations" go that will make my presentation super snazzy too!!! stoked about that. r and i are going to start working on the images i want to make for it this weekend. last night i also watched another 20 minutes or so of the lecture on the hidden messages of water (title is something like that). so i felt pretty damn accomplished yesterday. i also did a load of dishes, which i've been avoiding forever. it really needed doing - so i feel good about that.
anywho - i suppose i need to get dressed and drag my booty to work. if the weather holds out i might get to ride a helicopter tomorrow!!! ::beams::
i hope everyone is having a great day kitties!!! big smooches and squishes to you all!!

jeustr @ 2009-07-21T23:14:00

2009-07-22T04:30:27Z

i feel like i could smile so bright the stars would seem dim tonight!!! 202.4 this morning.
the other day i was checking stuff online and browsing amazon as i am wont to do. bad girl asani. well - i stumbled across a BRAND new copy of a mineralogy book i've been wanting. normally well over $100 smackers? i got it for like TEN DOLLARS and change!!! WITH the tutorial cd intact. i got and noticed in the preface that the book comes with a exercise workbook (sold separately) and slides for instructors. so i got the exercise book used for like 4 bucks. i saw that you could go to the publishing company for the answers to the workbook - cause what good is it going to do me if i don't know if my answers are correct. but unfortunately they won't give it to anyone but instructors. blows. BUT - i e-mailed the head of the geo dept where i got my masters and it turns out they use the same book i got in their undergrad mineralogy course! he hooked me up with the guy who teaches in and he in turn sent me the syllabus he uses. he also said he'd answer any questions i have along the way which is so freaking SUPER COOL!!! i am totally stoked. i printed the syllabus already and squealed in delight "what's my first assignment" r heard me and said he took back anything he's ever said about me not being a geek. ::grins::
as for the diet - i was a bad girl about eating today. i'll get back on track tomorrow. i wasn't horrible though. my horoscope said i'd be hitting a weight plateau. i hope i've not made it one of those self fulfilling prophecies. i like to believe it's just a little late and is refering to my previous plateau. i need to get back into working out in the mornings.
i had a realy beast of a time dragging myself out of bed this morning. so i was stuck at work until like 6 tonight which blew chunks. then on the other hand its always so nice to be there when its quiet. i'm helping a friend put stuff together for the bring your kids to work day. and i'm making tracks on my current stuff at work so that feels good. i hope to get to ride a helicopter this friday. we got rained out last friday. and then this coming sunday evening i leave for houston for more training. ::grins:: petroleum geology of deep water turbidites. sounds boring huh? it'll be fun though. hope i can manage my diet while i'm there.
that sunday morning i'll be going to my first 101 class and i'm soooo stoked about it!!! SQUEE!!!
i'm hoping that we can go to the new orleans museum of art on saturday. i forgot i was leaving town cause we wanted to try to go to the arborrium (sp? i know that's not right) sunday afternoon. maybe we can squeeze a short visit in? i don't leave till after 5pm. ::grins:: we'll see what we can swing.
big giant hugs!!! please wish me luck on losing mucho more pounds!!! i totally want new clothes for xmas!!!

jeustr @ 2009-07-15T12:07:00

2009-07-15T17:12:46Z

lunch time quicky. last night i had pizza and hot wings for dinner. one day short of having stucj strickly to my diet for a month. do i feel bad? not so much. the past two weeks of the diet have been a major struggle and no progress was really being made. while part of me thinks i should feel guilty about last night, the rest of me feels refreshed and ready to start a new. i have been very good today.
tonight i am hoping ::crosses fingers and knocks on wood:: to go to the local merry meet. last night r and i spent some time putting together a good play list i can blare through the living room while i work on straightening up the house. got some great music together and got the living room looking half way decent. anywho - i have to run back to work. ugh!!! last day of training, so that's awesome. the training hasn't driven me to snacking so far and i am really happy about that!!! ::grins::
have a great day kitties!!!

jeustr @ 2009-07-13T12:02:00

2009-07-13T17:06:32Z

205.6!!! lowest i've been yet kitties. i know i was going to hide the scale. but i think i NEED it. its part of my morning ritual and i twitch if my routine's get screwed. i'm going to be in training at work for the next three days. that totally blows, but at least its interesting stuff. down side is my normal means of staying awake is to munch on m&m's all day. no longer an option. ::grins:: but i did a good deal of exercise this morning. OOO! my movie finished before i finished working out this morning so i picked up a book (re-reading all the sookie stackhouse books, on book 4 right now) and heck if that didn't keep me more intertained. woo!!! so - now if the tv isn't distracting me enough from my workout, i can read. i did an extra half a mile because i wanted to keep reading!!!
ok - gotta run kitties - lunch is almost over.
::squishes and lovins::

jeustr @ 2009-07-11T07:56:00

2009-07-11T13:04:15Z

yesterday 208.6, this morning 207.2. sigh... so - if i were a smart girl i would have already been outside mowing the lawn. why am i not? because out of curiousity i tried on a pair of pants that have not fit since i bought them. couldn't even get them on once they were home (misleading tag). this morning i can totally get them beasties on. are they comfy? nope, but i can sit without being in pain. so - this feels like HUGE progress has been made. the things look tiny to me, compared to my normal clothes. i am totally stoked. i can't believe it!!! WOO!!!

UGH!!! i gotta take my meds kitties and get on with my super packed day of house cleaning. aiden completely helped me wreck the beast while he was home - and for the next month i want the place spotless. grr... not going to get done if i don't get off my ass. have a great weekend kitties!!! ::squishes::

jeustr @ 2009-07-09T20:06:00

2009-07-10T01:17:49Z

ok, so the earlier diet issues and such seem to be coming back under control. i lost weight this morning for the first time in a week, so i was very happy about that. i've been incorporating foods that i love but in portions that do not put me over my carb quota for the day. sometimes that means an ITTYBITTY portion. lol. watching my ketone output, that's the important thing i guess. we've started taking my measurements and will start taking photoes today as well.
aiden is in north carolina and i'm miserable about it. he's going to be gone a whole fracking month. i watch too much shin chan because i don't think i used to say that before. anyway - i miss the goober head. he flew by himself and he got delayed in atlanta twice for what seemed to me like FOREVER. finally got there and now i just want him home with his momma. sigh...
ok - i'm going to get out of here and work on my stone class i want to do. need to get off my ass about that. GRR!!! lol
have a great night kitties.

jeustr @ 2009-07-07T08:56:00

2009-07-07T14:21:51Z

The diet has come to sort of a standstill/reversal. The problem is that i cannot poo. I've been taking fiber supplements. I've been exercising. I've been eating green veggies.Yesterday I was 206.6, today I am 207.2. I cannot poo. This is sooo not normal for me as I normally go 3-5 times a day before I started this diet. Its one thing to deprive myself of all my favorite foods if I can see results. Its quite another to deprive myself and see the scale go back up in the morning. This happened all the past weekend. I finally took a laxative Saturday night and went with HORRIBLE pain Sunday morning. But I can't keep doing that - cause you know I don't want to go out all Karen Carpenter style. Its just not healthy. My dad is going to pick me up some of those bacteria use can get at the pharmacy and see if that helps. Like maybe I just lost them all from too much diarhea lately.  Its been nearly a week of this struggle and I am getting discouraged. I should be at nearly 200 flat by now. I was doing so well!!! I am heart broken. I will give it a week of trying a few more things and then I am going to a doctor. Not that I have a lot of sick leave left to burn - but something has to be done. I don't think its a good thing not to be pooing at all for days on end. Sigh...
I know all the logical arguements. That I shouldn't get discouraged. But I AM. I can't help it. I'm not giving up - I just don't have that same joy in it that i had in the beginning. That same confidence that if I just do what I'm supposed to do that I will continue to lose. I'm stressed and afraid of being fat forever - of my goals being unattainable. I don't know what else I can do. I'm exercising. I'm reducing portions. I'm keeping it below 20 carbs for the day. I'm chugging water like its going out of style. I'm super depressed this morning. I"m sure something will come along and snap me out of it. But for now I'm just going to wallow in moping.
Staying home today with Aiden since he's leaving for north caroline tomorrow morning. bummed about that too.
have a great day kitties. ::hugs::

jeustr @ 2009-07-06T21:51:00

2009-07-07T03:08:30Z

i found tortilla shells at walmart with only 7 net carbs!!! does the happy dance of much joy!!! and something like pita bread with 6 net carbs. I found some fiber supplements that i like to to eat. last night i ordered low carb pasta, baking mix, and thickener. they'll be here in about a week. i got my favorite sugar free jello in bulk without any of the nasty flavors. i feel so much less trapped by the diet now. as long as the pasta tastes good the only thing I'll be denighed is potatoes and rice. ::beams:: OH and low carb brownie mix!!! ::flails in happiness::

anywho - gotta trot on off to bed. lots to get accomplished this month. i'm going to evaluate my goals for the month and prioretize my time. SQUEE!!!

::hugs and lovins::

jeustr @ 2009-07-05T20:39:00

2009-07-06T01:55:00Z

we're HOME!!! had a fabulous weekend. we left thursday night after r got off of work. friday we went up to see dad and uncle nick's horses. they are the sweetest!!! like two big giant puppy dogs of love. they wanted lots of pettins, scratchins and kisses. r petted them with me, but a who'd been there before wasn't as impressed. then we went to memaw's, followed by about 3 hours at a water park. about an hour into r bought a swim suit and not only joined me in the water - but road some of the tubes with me!! we totally almost flipped twice when we rode together. lol!!! as many as we could fit in before they closed them for the night. it was tough on my fat butt going up all those stairs, but i made it. by the end of the evening wasn't even that hard to drag myself back up there. it was some of the happiest goodness ever. r's never been a fan of water. i'm a HUGE fish girl. so for him to get in there with me of his own violition was the sweetest, most romantic and awesome feeling EVER. i love this man the moon and back kitties. the next day we went to fast eddies (go-karts) and then capped the afternoon off with several hours at the river with the cousins. and r got in the water again!!! again with no proding from me what's so ever!!! we all had a WONDERFUL time!!! it was mucho awesome. dropped by memaw's this afternoon and she loaded us up on fresh from her garden veggie goodness!!! YAY!!! then is was the drive home. dad drove so I got to do some reading. OH, i did some sewing this weekend too! finished the bottom piece to the box i'm making for aiden. his request. 5 more pieces to go. i have to do some planning for the stitches that will make the wording. need to make sure things will fit neatly and not be cramped. am wondering if there are any stitch planning software programs i could download or something. i have an alternate plan if there aren't.
tonight its just trying to clean up from the trip and get the house a little neater. i took out the trash, cleaned out the litter boxes and have shoved the dirty clothes into the washer. r emptied the dishwasher for me, so if i am a good girl i will go fill it.
no news on the diet front. dad's scale is WAY off from mine. we bought a new one, but it didn't match mine either. SO o brought it to compare with mine. it measures 1.2 pounds heavier than mine. it seemed like i was gaining weight this weekend though i was being good. freaking hard as that was. aiden ate fazzolis in front of me. and he kept offering me frnech fries. sigh... kids can be cruel. but i wasn't able to poo for like 3 days straight - so that had a lot to do with it. don't matter if not much is going in if NOTHING is coming out. finally opted for a laxative last night. horrible morning of doom, but at least i seem purged. i think i wasn't drinking enough fluids and that's what caused the back up. i have to be very careful of that and drink tons of water. i'll know how i stand in the morning as far as weight. gosh i hope like hell i've lost some for the many hours of swimming i did!!!
anyway - still miles to go before i sleep kitties!! i missed you! hope your weekend was good!!!

CANNOT BELIEVE!!!

2009-06-28T16:35:48Z

This morning = 207.4!! Blown away. And I had a snack cake yesterday! And a bite of hashbrown and bite of fry. Only one bite of each and I wasn't tempted for anymore!!! Seriously freaking happy!!! 9 pounds in less than 2 weeks!!! ::bounces up and down::
I had a lot of energy yesterday. I turned on the music channel and started really dancing for the first time in YEARS!!! Dancing wildly like I used to alone in my room when I was in highschool late at night. Body fully given over to the music and the joy of the moment, not having to accomodate my size to do what I wanted. It made me soooooo happy!!!
So - plenty of house work to be done today. Now that the dryer is fixed lots of laundry. Want to get Aiden's room straightened out as well. Also, I finally transferred all of my stuff from my laptop onto the big computer. Oops, forgot my library catalogue! Shucks, need to get that on here soon. ::grins::
I feel better about myself than I have in ages. I feel like maybe I do have some will power in me after all. For so long I really believed I didn't anymore. That I was doomed to be a pathetic blob forever. Not because of my size, but because even though I wanted I wasn't following through on losing it. I've reached a point where I'm not obsessing over food every minute. I seem to be more focused on the pleasure of losing weight than the momentary pleasure of eating. That makes me feel strong!!! Grr!!! I know I'm silly - but really, that's how I feel.
I feel like I can finally give R the beautiful wife he deserves. He's always found me beautiful and desirable. But I've always wanted to share the girl with him that I was before I let depression take over my life. Dang on it I was cute. Not super model gorgeous, but dang cute. I have been wearing all the nice clothes I splurged on at the beginning of the year - and to a one they are all too big for me now. Not so much that I can't where them, but to the point you know I'm not the same size I was when I bought them!!! YAY!!! Which, on the surface sounds like a waste of money. But truely it wasn't. Finding clothes that made me feel cute again at the size I was gave me the confidence to really make a go at this. I really believe in fate, in the connectedness of things, timing in everything. And I feel like a lot of things came together at just the right time, in just the right mix to make things work like this and I am boundlessly grateful.
It colminated (sp?) with R and I going to the chiropractor. The assistant and I have been talking the past few weeks and she told me how much she lost through Atkins! Not pushing it on me or anything. Just conversation. And a couple weeks later I told her she'd inspired me to start. She told me she really thought I could do it. Which was what I needed to hear those first few days. And then the guy at Red Lobster, our waiter, who shared his experience with me and gave me encouragement and pointers just when I was feeling low again that first week. I really feel like meeting those people at just that time was fate. And it was oddly enough that month that I had decided that YES, I was going to make a more serious effort to lose weight. Life is full of doors and choices. And I feel so lucky that I recognized this one this time in my life.
Have a great Sunday my kitties. ::hugs you all extra tight::

its a morning of wow...

2009-06-27T13:19:39Z

yesterday i was 210.0... today i am 208.8!!! I skipped 209 completely!!! SWEET!!! and the best part, the last two days I've had stuffed mushrooms - which completely BLEW my carb intake for the day. see they have 17 carbs - which i didn't know on the first day. so yesterday i had 23 carbs instead of my normal like 15 and i lost double the weight. actually its two days in a row that happened. and on both of those days i also did not exercise!!! so i think i have found my optimal carb intake. i need to gauge what i'm eating for the day to be about 23-25 carbs total. i have the little pee sticks to insure that i am still burning fat by means of my ketone count - so that is cool. and fina-fuckingly i got off my period yesterday. 10 fucking days of bleeding this time. WTF!?! not cool. one more day and i was going to a doctor and demanding they cut out my ovaries. hey, just more dead weight gone in my mind.
i am really, really happy about my progress so far. ::knocks on wood:: i feel like i've come a long way. it was SOOO hard to not give in the first week. i feel like i am on firmer ground these days. its way easier to say no, but i won't lie the temptations are still there. what gets me are those moments of forgetting. like, i'll think in the morning when i'm still tired - gee what should i have for breakfast, and i'll go - oh toast is easy!!! lol... but then i remember oh..... shucks, can't eat that till january. ::grins:: that's right. i am sticking like glue to this diet until i dig the girl i was back out from under all this fat. she's what i want for so many reasons and no one is stopping me from getting her but me. and its time i let her back out.
oops, i need to go take my vitamins. had forgotten about them until now. boogers....
ok kitties... hope you're having a great weekend!!!

jeustr @ 2009-06-24T20:32:00

2009-06-25T01:58:43Z

my son is singing the jigglypuff song in the shower right now. its adorable!!! i can hear it just faintly in the bathroom. r says he's going to put himself to sleep in there. ::grins::
its been a rough two days. started yesterday with my cellphone dying at an inopportune time. i was at home eating my lunch when r calls the house. apparently he's been trying to reach me, and so had aiden's summer camp because the kid had forgotten to bring his lunch. since they couldn't get me r had to leave work to take it to him. so r lost time at work. that evening i get another call from r just as i was stripping out of my clothes for the day. his car was acting up. before two minutes the car had died in the middle of a hugely busy three lane road during rush hour. sigh... so we have to get a tow truck. we have to communicate on two mostly dead cell phones (i plugged mine in for ten minutes before having to leave the house again). we get the car to the place we had it fixed last time and the part is three weeks out of warrenty. we can get a good part to replace it - but the total cost = nearly 900 bucks. we can go the cheap fix for about 400+ 90 for the tow. we're just hoping that we can have his car survive another year so we can save to get him a newer one. his is a 95. it has had shite loads of expensive problems in the three years we've had it. this is the third altenator in that amount of time... sigh...
last night the dryer also stopped working. thank the great fluffy bunnies it is under warrenty. but the damn thing is only two weeks old so it really grinds my gears you know. i am grateful they had a saturday appointment for me to get it fixed. at least i don't have to take off more time from work.
last night i came SOOOO closing to caving and eating pizza for dinner. r helped me through it and i just ate the cheese and some chicken wings. he said if i was going to blow the diet it should at least be over something i REALLY wanted, not just plain cheese pizza. i ended up with 22 carbs for the day which blows. but it was actually largely the fault of the protein bar i had at lunch. 12 grams for that alone! so no more of those fuckers! it didn't even taste good. i can have a little debbie 100 calorie snack cake for the exact same amount of carbs and it will at least taste good! not going to eat those yet either. today makes my first full week on the atkins. 211.6 yesterday, 211.2 this morning. i feel i will do better in the morning because i kept my carbs at 10.2 grams today and i added an extra half a mile to my 3 mile morning bike ride (stationary) and 50 crunches. my co-workers and i even went out to eat at a restraunt today and i stuck to my diet without any real trouble!!! i was very proud!
having aiden home has been really, really great. he's been so well behaved and sweet. i hate it when he's gone!!!
r has been WONDERFUL to me lately, especially today. he knows i've been really stressed out lately because of all the crap, so many extra unexpected bills this month (the car is just the icing on the cake this month) and then the diet and my period to boot. so he offered to make dinner tonight and he got all the information together to deal with the dryer and was going to do it himself AND he cleaned the kitchen as i had been saying i would for the last 4 days. if you knew how he was about making phone calls at all, let alone to strangers, you'd realize what a huge thing his offer to handle the dryer thing was and how special it made me feel. he really loves me and its the most awesome thing in the world!!!
shoot yeah, also the air conditioner isn't keeping the house as cool as its supposed to. so that's pissing me off too. UGH!!! lol... shit happens. with all the bad stuff i'm still so happy and grateful for what i've got - even if i whine about the other stuff.
i think i'm going to start a new sewing project to help me take my mind off of food. and i'm going to start a new video game i haven't played. we've had it forever - but i sucked at shooter when we got it. now i'm good at them and want to try my hand at it. we recently hooked the ps2 back up in our bedroom so i played resident evil 4 for the first time. beat it twice as leon and once as ada so far!!! i LOVES it! got the unlimited rocket launcher for leon!!! ::grins::
hope everyone is having a great day. now that the library is in order i seem to be spending more time in here on the net again so that's cool. get to post more often.
night kitties. i'm off to kiss my hubby, tuck the wee one into bed and figure out the rest of my evening. ::squishes::

jeustr @ 2009-06-22T19:38:00

2009-06-23T01:04:01Z

i had a bit of a panic at the grocery store. pathetic but true. i needed to get aiden some juice and some plums. I can have half a plum and by golly i wanted one. r called and said aiden had tried elcairs at school and liked them and would i pick up some while i was at the store. once he remembered the diet he told me not to get them. i haven't been on it long yet - so totally NOT a big deal. but aiden NEVER tries new foods - so he was excited to get him some more. so i decided i was going to do it. this meant going to the desert section of the store. i now know the carbohydrate content of every sweet i have ever loved. and you know what - i can't have a mother fucking one of them if i want to stick to my diet. i tried many, many means of convincing myself that just one would be OK. i tried the - you met your goal you should celebrate tactic. and you know what? for the first time ever that darn store didn't have a single elcair. bastages!!! sigh... i got the stuff i needed. i even got r some blue berry sweet things (i don't eat cooked fruit so this wasn't a hardship). but i was ticked at going through that crap only to be thwarted. so i rolled my butt into krispy kreme to get r and aiden donuts. it sucked out a sizeable chunk of my soul. and if i can get through the next few days without breaking down and eating one then i guess my masichistic tendencies will have to out themselves in other ways. i don't want to do the grocery shopping anymore. it eats away at my very limited self control. it depresses the snot out of me. how pathetic is it to be depressed about food when its not like i'm going hungry? i feel worse than low when its brow beating me.
in other less whiney news - we started putting up the family photos this past weekend!!! i am soooo excited about that! i've been trying to talk myself into doing it for months. i'm glad i finally did. the entry way is almost done, and i spent a good chunk of time going through photos we took on our trip to find ones for the walls. also went through the wedding photos and that was tons and TONS of FUN!!! god i love my hubby. love him more every single day though it hardly seems possible. my soulmate and best friend through and through. he gave me a big hug when i got home pouting after the store today. he'd made dinner for me and it was delicious. i pre-organized several meals so all we'd have to do in the evenings is through them on the grill. i'm totally not up for a long wait time for dinner or big effort when i get home these days.
anyways, aside from the whole grocery store fiasco thing i was feeling really super all day. i've met my 15 pounds lost for the year goal. i'm feeling productive at work. i have my dream home - or at least a home of my own which has always been my huge dream. aiden is slowly coming around at school. and i've been progressing on my reading schedule which makes me feel really great. i feel like i've been getting a handle on our finances finally and getting the family dental work in hand and lined up. losing weight was my last big obstacle. i feel like for the first time in my life i'm really in control. i mean i still believe in the wild and randomness in life. so by control i mean as far as control is possible in reality. but like i am truely being proactive in steering the course of all the aspects of my life that i feel need it. i've always been very goal oriented - but i never seemed able to juggle all the things in my life i felt were my responsibility. for the first time ever, all the balls are moving. they don't have to always move smoothly, as long as i keep them going. i truely feel good and strong for the first time ever. i am confident in a way that i've only ever managed to outwardly seem before. i am happy, ::knocks on wood:: and grateful and full of plans!!! it still seems as if there are never enough hours in the day. but right this second i'm not beating myself up because of it. and that feels like a real triumph. does that make sense? ::shrugs and grins::

hope everyone is doing well. love and squishes!!!

jeustr @ 2009-06-21T07:37:00

2009-06-21T12:41:26Z

212.8 this morning!!! SQUEE!!!! i scared the snot out of the kitties with some loud music in the library this morning. lol... not intentional - they are just going to have to learn to hang with it eventually.
i started mowing the back yard this morning. going to have to try and talk myself into going out there and finishing it. sigh... alright. ::grabs self by boot straps::

hope everyone is having a great weekend!!!

jeustr @ 2009-06-20T10:48:00

2009-06-20T15:54:39Z

at the beginning of the year i started at 227. today i am 213.8. i am 1.8 pounds away from my 15 pounds lost for the year goal. on wednesday i started the atkins diet thing. the first day was hell. but i lost TWO pounds. the second day wasn't as bad. the third day i had things fairly in swing. i'm still working the kinks out of it. i need to get back into my morning exercising. it ain't easy. but i'm feeling so proud. seeing the results the first morning made the stress of giving up so many foods i love melt into the back ground. we're headed out for a little bit - then i'm going to come back home and make meals ready for the rest of the week. aiden will be home tonight or tomorrow morning. i can't wait. but i also know that i need to make dieting as simple as possible while he's here.

jeustr @ 2009-06-06T22:15:00

2009-06-07T03:22:24Z

aiden's at my dad's for the first half of the summer. the missing aiden blue's have had me down a bit. i tried to fight it off, but i needed a wee bit of retail therapy. so... i went insaine and bought the iroomba pet model. i am IN LUUUURRRVE!!! this thing is the FUCKING SHIT!!! OMG!!! my library is now a happy, happy place. (we keep the litter boxes - count them, 1,2,3... in here). and the floor is freaking phenomenal!!!! and the beast isn't even done yet. its just merrrily plodding along. it even goes over the power cords no problem and crawled onto the bottom of the kitty tower to clean that beast too! its like an inch or so above the floor, so the bot can climb!!!! SQUEE!!!! now i just need the suba for xmas and we will be set. i want another one of these fuckers to deal with the up stairs.

its only our first day with it. i'll let you know how it holds up in the long run. i got a three year extended warrenty on it. not throwing out that chunk of change for it to break down on me in a year. GRINS!!!

hugs and lovins my kitties.

jeustr @ 2009-05-31T09:20:00

2009-05-31T14:35:21Z

long time no post. i have been feeling very weird off and on lately. i've wanted to write and share - but by the time i get to a computer the moment has passed or i clam up. i have this weird notion that if i can ever get the house completely clean that so much in life would fall into place. how bizarre is that? ::smiles::
lets see, i read the accidental friends trilogy this past two weeks. i have a real hankering to read my old chemistry text book. which i am afraid i put in the box o books for charity.
i organized the snot out of my library yesterday. tomorrow the appraiser is coming over so we can get the ball rolling on refinancing the house. i hope to heck that works out well. i'm getting nervous about it.
we went on vaction over the memorial day weekend to arkansas where there's tons of quartz!!! it was WONDERFUL. i'll upload pics soonish. probably.
i was hoping that posting would help me gather my thoughts this morning - but it seems not. sigh...
i was down to 215 on my diet. i was so super proud!!! since the trip i'm back at 218. very depressing. next trip i need to plan to have healthier food available. ::grins::
ok - so mental slap. this is what i need to do. aiden is gone for the summer. i need to plan a regiment of exercise and study to use this time wisely and get the house in shape for when he returns. i need to list the things that need to be done around the house and make a calender for when i will accomplish each goal. ok kitties. enough sitting on my bum this morning. i'm off to get things accomplished!!!

i do still read when i can. i miss you all very much. my life has just been hectic lately.

jeustr @ 2009-05-10T13:52:00

2009-05-10T19:24:25Z

left last sunday for houston got back thursday night. it was an awesome - if weird trip. have to leave again for another trip tomorrow and will return wednesday. i seriously over slept today.
today we're going to try our hand at making hibachi for the second time. the first time was great. this time will be even better. more garlic kitties!!! that's my goal. lol

yesterday the newest charlaine harris book arrived. dead and gone. i have to say it has made me soooooo freaking happy and yet the ending was just heart tearing. i don't want to ruin it for you - but things can so seriously NEVER be the same. its devastating and i am heart broken.
i'd also finally recieved Pride and Prejudice and Zombies... FANTABULOUS!!! i had to re-watch the the newest version of the movie. i love ALL the versions - but i really love the newest.
I ADORE MR. DARCY!!! He's my hero. The whole back story with the girls is odd. But you know - I freaking thought the Charlotte Mr. Collins ending was classic. Mind you I like Charlotte - but it made Mr. Collins some what redeamable? I don't know - he's still a douche bag. But at least a douche bag that loved his wife. ::beams:: Someone out there please read this so we can goosh together!!!
I've been doing a ton of reading lately and that's really made me feel good. Felt like my old self, without the baggage of the bad parts of those times in my life.

jeustr @ 2009-04-21T19:10:00

2009-04-22T00:43:40Z

hey kids and kittens. i finally finished reading the physics and chemistry of color today. only took a month and a half of my life. lol. but it was an awesome read, if over my head at times. sorry i haven't been posting more. i've been trying to do more around the house, read more, garden more and work sucks the life out of me. even though i LOVES my job of goodness. but 9 hours days = asani goes to bed early these days.
lets see. i've also been doing some fiction reading. I read Day by Day Armageddon, Dying to Live, and World War Z in the past week. I read The Accidental Werewolf last week. Still working on Drawing Down the Moon. Love that book so far and its so interesting to read after having read the Triumph of the Moon to have it in perspective. I'm glad I read that first. Trying to decide what I'm going to pick up next. No other huge books till I get done with Drawing. I think short ones interspersed should keep me finishing things. But I do so want to tackle one of my Joseph Campbell's. Sigh... The delimas of the book junkies. How sad. lol
The huge project of doom I was spear heading at work finally got printed. We distibute it at OTC in May, so neatness. The alarming thing about being lead author is you know, some one might actually expect me to know something on the spot. Or call wanting facts. UGH!!! Not my thing kitties. I took notes on everything like a fiend though - so hopefully I'll make it through relatively unscathed. lol Here's to hoping. Next year the hubby will be helping me circumvent the printing issues I encountered this year. When I understand things about printing better than our people in charge of that stuff? Well then there's a MAJOR problem. Sigh... So glad to be married to a fellow geek. ::grins:: Even though we geek in seperate fields at times (mine obviously not including spelling, sadly)
My garden is doing nicely. I even have two black berries and several tomatoes I'm waiting on to ripen. Very EXCITED about that! They didn't die yet! HURRAY!!! lol
so vacations planned for the year. we're going at the end of may to look for rocks for a few days in the mountains of arkansas. best place in USA for quartz deposits. also, has the only public park on a diamond deposit where you can keep any diamonds that you find. they'll even tell you where you can get any big ones you find cut. several mines for quartz and other neato rocks we're planning to hit. i'm hoping to use the information i get in my rock class. need to get off my ass about that project. but reading that book on color was a big key to what i want to teach. r says i'm a geek because i decided rock hunting was an appropriate family vacation destination. sigh... well, he's excited too! ::pokes out tongue::
in october we're going to elizabeth city for several days in october. i bought the tickets this morning and we've cleared the time off from work. its right around aiden's b-day - so that will be cool. so no backing out this time. first time we've been up there since we moved in 2006. it will be very weird. but i miss my friends. ::beams::
ok, that's it for tonight kitties. more reading to do and video games to play. aiden is kicking ass on warriors of orochi and i have to go defend my gaming honor. lol, have a great night kitties!