damn

Whine kitty, whine...

  I'm lonely as hell so I hope you're reading this and respond. The internet is currently my sole outlet to the real world. Fortunately for Facebook I am tucking my entry here instead of blasting it out for everyone and filling up people's uninterested feeds.
  Today I had a CAT scan of my sinuses for an issue I don't remember not ever having at LEAST twice a year. My sinuses are shit. At least twice a year as a kid not only could I not breathe through my nose (try to explain that to an OCD stepdad who lost his shit because you chewed your food with your mouth open. I MEAN LOST HIS SHIT), I don't remember smelling very often till highschool when I learned about NyQuil and shit. See, in my family, mom's house, you just didn't go to the doctor till scary shit was going on.
  When I was in elementary, I remember I was young because none of my siblings had moved out yet. Kevin, the last left when I was nine and my whole world shifted to the much worse than I was accustomed to - so I remember that year distinctly. See, then my back hurt so bad at one point I was helpless. When mom's version of care, go sleep a while by yourself in my bed, did nothing to cure me - I've always had migraines and did not know people went to the doctor past vaccines so I was used to just suffering through shit, mostly without mentioning it for fear of getting in trouble. Case in point elementary through junior high I would get lice most years a couple months before school let out. Did I tell my mom after the first time? No, I would suffer with it for months while maintaining that I did not infect anyone else, learning to endure the torturous itching without touching my head and giving myself away, until it was finally summer and I could tell my dad and get treated without paying hell for it.
  Returning to my back, it was bad enough that I complained. The bed was insufficient as a medical cornicopea (sp?). I got taken to the doctor and my kidneys were all fucked up due to dehydration. How did that happen? Well I didn't get breakfast as my siblings prepared for school, so no drink there. They neglected to make sure my hair was brushed, teeth, that I was even wearing socks. In fact, in first grade my teacher started bringing socks to school for me to put on in the mornings they apparently smelled so bad. Couldn't usually smell, so I had no clue. I didn't like kids my age so I didn't notice mostly that I was avoided. Mom made it impossible for them to even tolerate me, let alone give a shit whether I was properly ready. So long as I was ready to get in the car when Zena was ready to take us to school without holding them up. So, nothing to drink at breakfast. I was eventually supposed to eat breakfast at school. We didn't qualify for free meals, and I almost never had a check ready for me to pay them, let alone getting there early enough to have eaten anyway. Plus I don't know why but it seemed Sheep Harney had an unwritten rule that cheese went on everything. So, still no breakfast. Lunch came only with milk, so nothing to eat the rest of the day either, P.E. recess in the sun, you weren't allowed to drink anything at home without asking first and that meant interaction (I got home and lay with a pillow on the floor each day where mom watched tv - quiet, no interaction - safe from my siblings, until dinner, more tv, then shower and bed when I was supposed to).
  So... dehydration, kidneys flippinig out, and I got in trouble for it. I don't even know if anyone knew I couldn't smell most of the time. I just know I made John livid for YEARS wating with me mouth open.
  So it was a long time before my raw and swollen throat issues was even meantioned. Eventually in highschool my friend continually got strep throat, which I understood to have possible major issues when you were grown up if it went untreated. So I felt I had no choice but to say something. Sinus time comes around a couple times a year and I end up at the after hours care place. I always tested negative for strep, but they always treated me for it anyway and eventually my throat would stop hurting.
  Fast forward to Louisiana, eventually I get so bad once before going to the doctor - it's just ingrained that shit has to get real before you go to the doctor. This is the hard 180 from my dad, whom thinks you go to the doctor for a hangnail practically. I complain my stomach is upset or I have a headache and he's trying to lure me out of my chair to go to the doctor. I'm like nah, you do this or that home remedy - by the time I moved out my mom had been asking ME for years what to take when she didn't feel good, why the Tylenol was conveniently stored in my room when I was nine. So, my throat is so swollen that I can't breathe and I'm like fuck, doctor. It was so bad my doctor had several other doctors come in and examine me because he'd never seen in person something so trashed. Treated me for strep, still a negative test.
  Eventually I found a doctor who recognized what was actually going on. My sinuses drain so badly, so continuously that my throat goes bat shit. Home remedy: alternate 6-8 tylenol every four hours with 6-8 advil, antihestamine, rinse and repeat until the bad goes away. So for FOUR + months I've been fucking rinsing and repeating... the bad got worse night before last with a happy ear ache too.
  Yesterday, I hemmed and hawwed but eventually made it to a doctor. Insane turn around, but the guy refers me to the imaging people, and they called me back that day - and my phone fucking worked for a change. So I had an appointment with them today. I was dressed on time, I left on time with zero bitching or stalling. It was a fucking miracle.
  I was terrified to go cause the last one I had they made me drink that contrast - I CAN'T drink anything milky period, it didn't go well. Then they gave me the shot and by that night I had a bad blood clot. Was on Eliquis five months. I stopped taking it when the refills run out, because I was supposed to see a doctor regarding future preventative treatment but, doctors, so no... Just stopped taking it. But this time no drink, no shot. I got there early, one person infront of me and they got me out before my appointment was supposed to begin. I was prepped for hours of hell, then poof, manageable.
  So I'm waiting to see what the doc says. I thought maybe I'd be going to an allergist to find out what makes my nose explode all the time, maybe soon?
  I'm not looking forward to getting Aiden's nose checked out. I always figured when he said he couldn't smell he was just like me, perpetually clogged, or he was faking. He's convinced me. So before his 18th b-day I'm fixing his nose so he can't say no. He doesn't like to leave the house either. I have to finish filling out his Medicare shit, we make less but it costs less here so we can afford to pay for affordable care act insurance for all of us, but since we're lower on the totem pole we can't, he HAS to apply for medicare, then CHIPS. Supposedly he will, like it or not, hit one of those. Me and paperwork aren't friends. Especially official government paperwork - freaks me out.  I had it 70% done the other night, needed to calculate a figure, fucker timed out on me and I lost all my progress. Demoralized.
  Amyway, my sister is coming to help me with it today. The one who liked me least when I was little - and really I don't blame them with what I watched them go through, with what I got focused not spread out between multiple children but all my own little focused show I'd long stopped being mad at them and turned that anger where it squarely belonged. But of the three, really there's 6 of us but they mostly didn't live with us, she's the only one I talk to or feel feel any family love type feelings for at all. Weird, but I'm glad. SO wish me luck on the evil, dreaded paper work today kitties.
And now back to your regularly scheduled programing.
damn

Avoidance and Other Crimes

All day I have told myself "as soon as X is over I'll go into the new classroom and start working." This has thus far been a well repeated and readily believed lie. It's actually now tomorrow. I'm irritated with myself. I'm giving myself a half an hour - ha - and if i'm not in there working (dragging Aiden cause it's for freaking him). It's just another excuse to add to the list but my dad insisted we use part of the room to set up the old bunk beds for "guests" - who the fuck is visiting us? the way the room is shaped, doors, windows, closet, etc... the damn thing can only go in like two places. Only one place once you figure the exercise equipment has to go in a certain spot (not going to survive the zombie apocalypse as a fat ass with no muscles). SO its in a corner that's completing cock blocking a logical and practical flow of the space. The room is divided in half by a double row of bookcases and I'd like them slid over a few more inches, I'm picky, but dad doesn't want it to not line up with the edge of the door. It's not going to be blocking it, just an issue of asthetics for him. So it really hits home. I will no longer have trump say in "my" house. It won't technically BE my (my naturally includes Dally) house. He doesn't want us paganing up the place with posters, statues, if the yard sale goes well I won't have many big display rocks. I was promissed a badass above ground pool so I can do laps, I live for the water. This is looking less and less likely with each passing day. I keep finding incredible deals and he keeps finding reasons that he won't get aboard on them. Yes, it's his money, but I told him from the outset what an average cost would be and readily agreed, we talked about it all the time. I found deals at half that for bigger pools, and now that its getting to where we should actually be moving on it, sales only last a certain time frame, he's backing off. I have lost my home, my control, some of the last remaining strains of my pride. So, hard as it is for me to start projects, I've lost the enthusiasm I was led into having. Complete creative control isn't so complete at all. Now with the layout, I can't figure out how to arrange things so that everything is in a logical, practical, easily accessable, intuitive you know. I'm in a much bigger room and I don't have room to fit the stuff I had in the smaller room. And I need to fit everything from the magick closet, the stuff in the old classroom closet, all the exercise equipment, and a fucking bunk bed that if the few relatives we have that MIGHT stay are too fucking tall to lay on. I have to give up shit loads of our stuff, he's trying to cling to as much of his as possible.
Don't get the wrong impression. I think my dad is the best dad ever. I adore him. But what is a bullshit deal all around to start with is being iced with slowly backwalked assurances that it would be OUR home equally. That things would happen in a certain way to make the transition less painful. That there would be fun and things to look forward and I could have the class of my dreams. And this fucking bunkbed, this piece of shit monstrosity of space swallowing wood and crappy mattresses, arbitrary lines (and since when did dad have a whole designer's eye thing going on), and akwardly placed windows and doors (used to be a garage) it's enough to just fucking wreck my plans, my dreams, one of the things that was making this whole upheaval of my world bareable is just torn down. The pool, tarnished and torn down. Now if we even get it the specter of money and guilt will again be hanging over it.
And I had to agree to give up my cichlid 70 gal tank for the foreseable future. One of the things that has been a major part of my therapy, many times the only thing that could drag me out of my chair so I could go manage the tanks. Getting baby fish, raising them up and trading them in as I worked on having the perfect combination of colors, temperments and relative size. I'd gotten so good they were having babies that survived - they're picky fuckers, want just the right temp and chemical ratios, then the babies have to avoid being eaten till they're too big to be on the menu which means you have to have the proper types and quantity of hidy spots. Enough cave like places, or places that the fish can retreat to as their territory. Keep them well, but not over fed so they're extra happy a docile and my semi-aggressive fish didn't fight despite the number I had given the space. (frequent water changes to remove nitrate and you can ignore the 1" of fish per gallon of water "rule." I finally had it all set the way I wanted it. He never said "you have to get rid on the fish" but he brought it up CONSTANTLY, breaking down with guilt. I traded them in and got 190$ for probably 700$ - 1000$ worth of fish if I want to replace them eventually. I have 1 small tank now, and am insisting on 1 more small tank, with small fish I keep killing because I haven't learned their quirks yet, because I can't fully set up the tank yet until the classroom is arranged and I can move it in there. I'll have to use my trade in money to pay for the fish to go in the other tank, assuming my fish guy is down with special ordering the exact ones I want and they don't cost too much.
So, it's 2am and I think I'm going to go in the classroom and fucking move those shelves where I want them while no one is looking. I'm all about asthetics, but practicality comes first. Use the irritation and banking on playing the card that he'd made a promise and try to work that into getting myself in that fucking room. Wake Aiden's ass up and have him help me. Them boxes are heavily, they're full of books, and the dvd boxes are in there too. We have a dolly, I'm not going to work him to death.
Dad wants empty boxes to take back to NOLA with us, I'll try and over come my bullshit, fucking try damn it, I hate this paralyzing feeling, I'll try and get things started. I'm still fucking typing. At least waking Aiden will be fun, though not his grumpy teenage attitude.
hair in the wind

3am is my antheme

I had been mulling how I would start this and had it pretty well set in my head. Then I agonized over whether I was spelling antheme correctly and using it correctly and now it's mostly jumbled pieces that just don't sound as pretty.
What I meant to begin with is one of my supreme failings: I plan my life and run out of time to live it; i plan so much I can never hope to accomplish it all in the time allotted (I'm shit at planning how long tasks will take and accounting for time spent with life's myriad interuptions) then get discouraged and either give up, maybe spend hours more rewriting the whole plan instead focusing on what could be feasibly done, or just get apathetic. I obssess that the letters are just so, that I've split tasks into minute detail so I can get all those extra check marks.
Obssession with planning has its merits. I have lesson plan after lesson plan. Between the time of giving up on Aiden's last online school, we've been through half a dozen, private, public, in person, online, and at each he has failed. Not because he isn't smart; he was put in the Acedemically Gifted program when he was last in public school. Great grades then, wonderful hand writing. But he was being constantly beaten up, bruises he hid for a very long time though he did tell me he was being bullied and I spent endless hours in the principle's office, the guidence counselor's. The last day of school in third grade within the space of a few minutes he pulled 1/3 of his hair out towards the end of the day at his desk in front of everyone. Not as a show, it only exacerbated the bullying I'm sure, it calms him down. Thank god he seems to have stopped eating it because it could knot in his gut and kill him. I've mentioned his trichotillomania (sp?) before. Before that day spots would show up and we took him to the dermatologist thinking he had some skin issue. It should have occured to me, I have it though I've learned to manage it enough that it's not noticable and I pull from different places. I substituted chewing the strings of jackets or hoodies, worn year round, to abate eating my hair but mostly to stop me chewing my skin off - also done in unnoticable places. But I once couldn't stop pulling my eyebrow until it was almost gone. My habit being found out and the reprecussions - embarassment, but mostly fear of getting in trouble with my mom, how she would react - that's what drove me to be able to conceal it until it's just a normal part of my life now, like breathing, so I didn't recognize it in Aiden early enough. But when is that. I read tons of books, talked with therapists, watched video after video. But I couldn't find him help for it, certainly couldn't help for all I tried to address the underlying issue. All I could teach him was how to hide it better. And that's questionable as to whether it's help or making it worse. Worse still, his hunting ground of choice is his head and it is far more severe than mine. He's gotten to where usually only rips the hair leaving behind half the length, or an inch or two. But there are definate thin spots and the rest is a tattered, multi-sized, flicking out in every direction, why would you let your child go out in public like that mess. And he sweats like a Brewton and is always bouncing around with his music and movies in his room, so before his freshly showered hair is even dry it's all matted and sweaty again. How can I help him integrate back into society, have a social life, when I feel like bringing him out into the fray is only setting him up for failure and more hurt because people are total shit, they'll look at him and treat hi like shit? Also, while he's smart as a whip his social skills are FAR behind. Another factor to get him ridiculed or taken advantage of. ANd what example am I to socialize? My last set of close "friends" destroyed me (temporarily) both financially, mentally, and possibly spiritually. I've spent I don't know more than a year, two? nearly immobilized in "my" chair writing lesson plans (and with the drink in your hand incase you fall asleep so it'll spill in your lap and wake you up meant 4+, I don't even know, laptops and all the work on them biting the dust - I've lost and forgotten more hard work :and it was good work because lazor focus helped drown everything out and stay awake: than you can imagine). I've always wanted to teach.
I'm looking at this house, smaller, more cheaply put together, and it's like a see of fire ant beds in the yard, not even MY house, and I'm trying really hard to look at it as a new beginning.
Maybe the smallness will help us not to all hide in our corners from one another. Maybe saving up for renovations instead of binge spending, will help me learn to control my manic madness. Maybe the yard can soon hold a pool and I can start to loose some of this weight, have a reason to go outside. Because litterally staying in a chair that long has atrophied my whole body. I've gained back nearly all the weight I lost with the bypass, knowing it's litterally sofficating (sp?) my brain, killing more cells. Shit I just stop breathing sometimes without knowing until I'm gasping for air all of a sudden.
I was letting myself die in that chair, to my dettriment and the suffering of the people I loved loved most who were trying to save me. And I'm crawling out of it tooth and nail. But I can't look at my self, think about all the damage I've done and time I've lost and truly see hope. Hope seems a shimmering mirage in the distance. But I've failed my family long enough. Today is the first really good day I've had in a long time. I haven't slept so tomorrow is a toss up. But I haven't accomplished this much, had my spirits lifted with purpose and actual stamina to attain objectives and only a couple panic attacks. Today, or rather yesterday was a win. I didn't just spend time sleeping, planning, watching the news and raging that the government is full of fucking idiots and WHY haven't they put Trump and a long laundry list of people in jail yet - including Pence, we can't get left in the hands of that religious zealot, and if not sleeping then curled up with my eyes closed trying to sleep, fighting with all my might to sleep in the bed with Dally when I can.
So, entry number one for the reboot. Not exactly where I'd planned to take it, but getting anything out at this point is another win. Not feeling like I'm foisting it on everyone is win II.
I gotta get started trying to save my fish from the ich and fungus invasion my new snails brought. Never trust anyone but my fish guy.
damn

been a while

How many years has it been since this feeling took hold? How deep can I take it? Can I function if I let go?
To give myself to be split open and flying, falling - swimming through this skin. I feel like an addict whose been slipped a hit and is coming down. That terror of the bliss, hearing it call and aching to go again.
That wild and free, debilitating darkness so bright it blinds my world. To give it to you. To share... but it is only me. I don't know how to open you up like this. To bleed out of my skin and into yours.
I walk the line of breaking again. Riding the rush of death and swimming against illusion. Fire in my blood and ghosts between my thighs. Where dreams are so close to flesh...
This scream in my heart that's become a siren's song.
  • Current Music
    tool
damn

(no subject)


Elements versus Music, a query for the community:


Howdy Everyone,
    I would like to suvey everyone on their take of musical expressions of the 5 elements.  The following instruments are what I've found to be related to the elements in my research so far:
 
Earth:  all percussion instruments, drums
Air:  all wind instruments, flute
Fire:  all stringed instruments, guitar
Water:  all resonant metals, bell, cymbal
 
I don't know why bells relate to Air but aren't listed as related within the realm of music.  The above are those I have seen listed in the literature available to me.  The following would be my own personal leanings on the subject:
 
Earth:  drums
Air:  bell, wind instruments, flute, harp
Fire:  guitar and those old school stringed instruments that sound very metallic (perhaps Charlotte may know what I'm talking about because I don't know the name), violin.
Water:  cello (because it sounds very emotional to me)
 
I would like to ask the community for any examples they know of music that features these instruments in a way they feel truely evokes the element.  OR regular music that to them evokes the element.  For example, Native American flute music evokes Air to me.  Sarah Mac.'s Into the Fire evokes Fire to me.  We all come from the Goddess evokes Water to me.  Are there classical pieces, modern pieces, pagany pieces, instrumental pieces that to you evoke strongly a specific element?  Do not feel at all limited to the correspondences provided above!  Be as creative and exploratory in your answers as you like please!!! 
 
The goal of this query is to compile the various suggestions so that I can eventually create cds with the music geared toward each element for many uses (mediations, quarter calls, etc...).  I will happily compile the lists and share them once I have them completed!!! 
 
I greatly, greatly appreciate any help any of you can give me in this matter.  I will be going through my own music and adding my own selections to the list as well - I am not leaving all of the work up to others.  I just want additional in put from people of varied muscial tastes and back grounds to augment what I come up with and to expand my musical experience and my experience of the elements themselves through music - which I have always found deeply spiritual. 
 
Again, THANK YOU SO MUCH for anything you are able to contribute and for taking the time to read this lengthy e-mail.  
 

damn

(no subject)

i feel the need to write something that isn't work related for a freaking change.  i'm tired, worn out, burnt out...  i think i also need new glasses.  the hubby is on the couch playing bayonetta, got it for him today.  my hagana class started 10 minutes ago and i am not there.  i tell myself they likely didn't have class tonight because of the parade.  everyone in town practically got off early for the parade.  aiden got out of school insanely early - meaning i had to take time off from work.  really irritating, but nice at the same time.  i am sincerely hoping my treadmill will arrive tomorrow at some point.  i want to force myself to run and build up my stamina.  my stamina and lung capacity are non-existant.  running kills my out of shape booty - but it does WONDERS for me too.  freaking evil. 
alright kitties.  enough for today, i'm off to bed.  reading or cartoons?
damn

procrastination is a beautiful thing

at home today with the kid. they messed up his perscription and by the time i got it sorted out it was too late to take him to school because i couldn't give him his meds. he has another dermatologist appointment at 4 today as well, so my day is fairly well shot. i have a lot to do today, i'm running out of time. i have a big project that needs to be completed by friday. and instead of working on it i'm posting for the first time in weeks? at least i'm to the point where i know what i'm going to write for the thing. i just need to get it on paper to wrap it up. well, there's more than that - but that's the bulk of the issue. ok - ::takes a big girl pill:: going to hide in the bed room until i'm done. not coming out till i have a few pages done. grr! lol have a great day kitties!
  • Current Mood
    lazy lazy
  • Tags
damn

(no subject)

196.6!
I've been working my butt off lately with one thing and another.  I've been feeling creative lately and that's a huge difference for me.  I joined a group that promotes charity work and that has made me feel really super good.  R and I have also been being much more social lately, which has been super.
I'm having a house warming party for my work friends finally!  the house is looking pretty good, though there is still much to be done before guests come in two weeks.  :)  i have been working very hard at being the person i want to be and i hope most sincerely that this is not just a passing phase but something i can truly evolve into.  it hasn't been easy.  but i'm trying with all my heart. 
ugh...  i have to run to work!  at least its wednesday!  friday is my off day this pay period, so that's a relief!!!  so much to do this weekend!  aiden will be home permanently from his seemlingly endless rounds of summer vacation tomorrow night and i am so stoked!!!
have a great wednesday my kitties!  i miss you all!  i've been reading even when i don't comment. 
  • Current Music
    roomba scooting along